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Date: Tue, 14 Jan 2003 12:29:15 -0500
From: Snow and Ice
Subject: BLAGUES-L: English is a crazy language

Date: 21 May 1999 07:32:18 -0400
From: Binoy Manimala

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in 
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. 
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. 
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find 
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig 
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't 
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't 
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? 
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that 
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a 
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you 
call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats 
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps 
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an 
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a 
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have 
noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while 
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as 
hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are 
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a 
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone 
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all 
those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your 
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by 
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the 
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). 
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the 
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I 
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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