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Date: Tue, 10 Sep 2002 11:38:21 -0400
From: Thirty Two
Subject: BLAGUES-L: US Army Voice Mail Message

Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1999 10:49:20 -0400
From: Guru

  US Army Voice Mail Message

  Thank you for calling the United States Army.  I'm sorry, but all of
our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.  Please leave
a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region,
the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.

  As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist
China, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and
compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
listen to the following numbers:

 If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United
States Marine Corps.

 If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels,
and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force.  Please note this
service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad

 Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or
stealth technology who can provide additional research and development

 If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of
grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please
press 3 and speak slowly to the United States Navy.  Please note that
Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a
first-come, first-served basis.

 If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment
Force and wait two weeks for delivery.

 If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be
routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an
additional fee of $10.  Please note that a compulsory credit check will
be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs.  Also be
aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required
to tell you why, as it will be classified.

 If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt
off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and
night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package,
then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a
bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post

 Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army.

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