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Date: Tue, 17 Dec 2002 16:19:14 -0500
From: Without your clause
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Letter from Santa

From: Patrick Drouin
Date: December 10, 2002
From: Chris Boudreau
From: Mark & Tracy MacPherson

Subject: Letter from Santa

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer 
serve the States of Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Florida, Virginia, 
North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was 
Renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  As part of 
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and 
cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your 
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His 
side of the family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of 
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few 
differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba 
Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: 
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave 
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.  And Bubba 
doesn't smoke a pipe.  He dips a little snuff though, so please have an 
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs 
instead of reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my 
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when 
Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, 
on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely 
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a 
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" 
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing 
area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and 
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of 
state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,
8.  Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt.  If I were you, I'd make sure you, 
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put 
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus

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