Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 06:46:00 GMT
From: The Toronto Experiment
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Cats, Dogs and Pills


FROM: Terry J. Klokeid
DATE:   25 Nov 2001 19:53:37 -0800 


HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL 

1.    Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as 
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either 
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding 
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow 
cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2.    Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle 
cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. 

4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding 
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to 
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count 
of ten. 

5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden. 

6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front 
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold 
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. 
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep 
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for 
gluing later. 

8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head 
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 

9.   Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove 
blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 

10.   Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open 
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave 
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down 
throat with elastic band. 

11.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on 
hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply 
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus 
jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another 
shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

12.   Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree 
across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while 
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 

13.   Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden 
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning 
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of 
fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 
litres of water down throat to wash pill down. 

14.   Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the 
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm 
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on 
way home to order new table. 

15.   Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring 
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. 

HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL: 

1.   Wrap it in bacon.