Date: Thu, 26 Dec 2002 23:25:26 -0500
From: Far from Frida
Subject: BLAGUES-L: A Christmas to Remember


Date: 10 Dec 2002 21:05:33 -0800
From: Terry J. Klokeid
From: Robert Rodvik


This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find 
out who had the wildest Christmas dinner, and won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his 
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill 
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true 
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were 
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and 
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things 
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never 
been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was 
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding 
me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a 
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger 
in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding 
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. 
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things 
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable 
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to 
life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee 
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling 
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies 
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went 
home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother 
called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that 
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, 
start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of 
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional 
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the heck is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's 
a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I 
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her 
clothes?"  Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," 
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was 
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have 
answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride 
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me 
and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she 
was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. 
  Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized 
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, 
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a 
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. 
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and 
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa 
ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to 
mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his 
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat 
in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to 
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had 
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, 
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect 
health. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the 
house.