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Date: Tue, 14 Nov 2000 17:59:34 -0500 (EST)
From: Black Lodge
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Things You Learn At The Movies

Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 18:00:00 +0100
From: Simon Lewis
Subject: Things You Learn At The Movies
From: CircleJoke

Things You Learn At The Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once. 

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. 
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. 

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down. 

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty. 

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. 

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition. 

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long. 

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill,
just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in
the universe. 

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead. 

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear. 

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.  And anyone can guess what it is within three tries. 

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 

The Chief of Police will always suspend or fire his star detective.  The
detective will solve the case anyway, and get his job back. 

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations, and it will take longer to explain to someone else in the
room what you heard than the conversation did to begin with. 

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.  Tires
will still squeal on dirt roads. 

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.  Always cut the
blue wire. 

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting, usually right in front of the door. 

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps. 

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization. 

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child. 

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment you turn on the set.  And of course, you
always catch the beginning of the story just in time.  Radio and
Television Programming can be interrupted at any time in order to provide
important plot information. 

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