Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1999 >

Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 07:45:33 -0500 (EST)
From: Dentalf Loss
Subject: BLAGUES-L: The IRS letter

Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:09:21 EST
From: Sungirl148
Subject: An IRS letter (for parents of teens especially!)

The IRS Letter 

H&R Block rep's Note:  Sometimes a story comes to our attention that 
needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. 
This is one of those.  It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the 
midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, 
and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself. 

Dear Sirs: 
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the 
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you.  I 
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years.  They 
are evil & expensive.  It's only fair that since they are minors and not 
my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more 
to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect 
over the next year.  You may apply next year to reassign them to me and 
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! 

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.  Ask her!  I suggest 
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's 
questions about their returns.  While she has no formal training, it has 
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. 
Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think 
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. 

While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't 
run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating 
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early 
to drive her to school.  Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy.  While 
she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and 
I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of 
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex.  This is 
always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this 
in the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who 
had a rather good handle on the problem. 

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes are a 
little close together for normal people.  He may be a tax examiner 
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first.  In February I was 
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing 
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would 
you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?  Kids at 
14 will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple. Permanent 
dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it. You'll 
have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after 
instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing your phone number 
with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging 
hormones.  This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more 
peaceful when he lives in your home.  DO NOT leave any of them 
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, 
vehicles, or telephones.  (I'm sure that you will find telephones a 
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 
976 numbers!) 

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by 
magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10 going on 21. She 
came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, 
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.  Fortunately you will be 
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading 
courses.  Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good 
news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that 
you are denying!  It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the 
other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. 
She cannot speak English.  Most people under twenty understand the 
curious patois she fashioned out of valley  girls/boys in the 
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.  I don't. The school sends her 
to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing 
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.   She wears hats backwards, pants 
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.  There is a 
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can 
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of 
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the 
entire thing than find out what it is really made of. 

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to 
pick which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest, I 
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free!  If you 
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather 
becomes a teenager.  If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad 
about putting Patrick in a military academy. 

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have 
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in 
additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane. 

Yours Truly, 

Note:  The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date: 
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."

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