Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1999 >

Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 10:35:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: Winning Condition
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Bill & Hill Get A Mortgage!

Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1999 21:06:44 -0500
From: Jeff Briere

Hi, Mr and Mrs. Clinton.  Welcome to
EZBreeZee Mortgages I'm Alan Greenspan.
No, no relation, sorry to say.  May I call you
Bill and Hillary?  Fine, First Lady Hillary
Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place,
four-something acres as I recall.  That's 2.2
million, and with the customary 20 percent
down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of
$1,760,000.  No problem. We do those kinds of
deals all the time.  Now let's have a look at
your financial statements.

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president
of the United States, of course, and your
salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year.  We
recommend buying a house that costs no more
than two and a half times your annual
salary.  That means you should be looking for
something around $500,000, perhaps a nice
brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not
too fancy a neighborhood?

And I see here that you'll be out of a job in
16 months or so.  What will you do then?
Open  a library.  In Little Rock. Arkansas.
Wow. I bet that will be some kind of

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate,
right?  Senators are paid $130,000 a
year--assuming, of  course, you're elected--so
even with your pension you're still  looking
at a house in the $825,000 range.  Maybe a
nice center hall colonial where the schools
aren't so good.

Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the
house since 1991, correct?  But you did some
volunteer work, I see.  You came up with a
plan to overhaul the entire national health
care system? I see.   It flopped, in other

But I see you had several business ventures
back in Arkansas.  How about this  Whitewater
Development Corp.?  It went bankrupt.  And
Madison Guaranty?  Bankrupt.  And Castle
Grande?  Bankrupt, too.  If you had gone to
Yale business school instead of Yale law, you
could probably get your money back  Don't get
upset.  It was just a little joke.

A little bad luck with the law, too, I see.
Three of your business partners went to jail.
Maybe you could get your money back.

This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we
have to ask because it does, after all, affect
your ability to pay:  Any problems in your
marriage? No?  Fine.

Let's look at your assets:  $1.5 million.
Not bad.  Yes,yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not
forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock.
But--oh!--those liabilities.  You owe $5.5
million.  That means you're $4 million in the
hole.  How do you expect to pay that off?
You're hoping people will donate to a special
fund?  So basically you're relying on the
charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses.  A kid
at Stanford had got to be setting you back
$30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with
the air fares.  And she wants to go to
medical school?  Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton,  there's a little matter of
a $90,000 fine for lying in court.  I guess
that rules out putting your law degree to
work.  Say, how do we know you're not lying
on your loan application?  Good point. It
would look a lot better if you were lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should
know about?

You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton,
and the first lady is pretty much in the
clear  indictment- wise.  What does that
mean?  You don't think--don't think--she's
going to get hit with a perjury or
obstruction of justice rap.  But we're not
totally sure, right?  That means there's a
remote possibility --note that I say
"remote"--that you could be trying to pay off
a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12
cents an hour stitching mailbags for the
feds, and he is trying to make a go of a
library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation.  One of you is
now unemployed and the other one soon will
be.  You have these whopping great debts that
you're hoping someone is going to come along
and pay.  You have a financial history that
can only be described as "checkered", plus a
bunch of serious financial demands and
ongoing legal problems.  Your tangible assets
seem to consist of an old Ford.

So, Congratulations!  Welcome to the
EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got
your mortgage!

Isn't that what happened when you applied for
your mortgage?  Don't all mortgage companies
operate that way?  Maybe you just got the
wrong one.

Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1999 >