Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1998 >

Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 10:25:31 -0500 (EST)
From: Phantom Menace
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Snow, Anyone?

[ One of the many versions of a very popular joke (I must have received 4
different ones in the last week).  (/jg) ]

Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 00:12:06 -0700
From: "E.W. Smith"

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life. 

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
minus 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. 
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. 
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. 
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room. 

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter; but he say he's too busy. I think the asshole
is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.

December 24: Another 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over where I've just shoveled! Tonight the wife wanted me
to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy
watching for the friggin' snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%*@ crap tonight. 
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. 

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. 

December 28: Warmed up to -10. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9"

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. 

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? Awe, who cares.....NO MORE SHOVELING!

Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1998 >