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Date: Thu, 21 Mar 1996 09:34:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: BLAGUES-L: The World According to Student Bloopers

From: Guedon Jean-Claude

                The World According to Student Bloopers

                             Richard Lederer
                            St. Paul's School

    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have 
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably 
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United 
States, from eight grade through college level.  Read carefully, and you 
will learn a lot.

    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the 
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such 
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the 
dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids 
in the shape of a huge triangular cube.  The Pramids are a range of 
mountains between France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of 
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One 
of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"  God asked 
Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, 
stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his 
twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it.  One of 
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses 
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is 
bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount 
Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at 
playing the liar.  He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who 
lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 
500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.  They also had myths.  
A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles 
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles 
appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.  Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in 
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his 
journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of 
that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people 
advice. They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, 
and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The 
government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into 
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so 
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were 
doing.  When they fought the Parisians,  the Greeks were outnumbered 
because the Persians had more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History call people 
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At Roman 
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar 
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March 
killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Nero was 
a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle 
to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King 
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops 
before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George 
Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their 
necks.  Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be 
hanged twice for the same offense.

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The greatest 
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also 
wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow 
through an apple while standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value 
of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at 
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, 
being excommunicated by a bull.  It was the painter Donatello's interest 
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was 
an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the 
Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented 
cigarettes.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found 
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.  Queen Elizabeth 
was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth 
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her 
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.  
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his 
plays.  He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, 
comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet 
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  In 
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by 
attacking his manhood.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic 
couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.  
He wrote "Donkey Hote".  The next great author was John Milton. Milton 
wrote "Paradise Lost."  Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise

    During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a 
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. 
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the 
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. 
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who 
came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.  The Indian 
squabs carried porposies on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were 
killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The 
winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and 
many babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put 
tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their pacels through 
the post without stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was 
throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks 
crowing.  Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay 
for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented 
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two 
singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston 
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each 
arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a 
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is 
still dead.

    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the 
Father of Our Country.  Them the Constitution of the United States was 
adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the people 
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's 
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built 
with his own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall 
silk hat.  He said, "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln write 
the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on 
the back of an envelope.  He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, 
and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the 
Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent 
victims.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater 
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. 
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. 
This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".  
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the 
Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very 
large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even 
though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long 
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven 
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was 
accomplished before it happened.  The Marseillaise was the theme song of 
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.  During the 
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their 
shoes.  Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at 
Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was 
very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inheret his power, 
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire 
is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the 
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  He reclining years and 
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and 
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to 
spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the 
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a 
naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".  Madman Curie 
discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a 
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1996 >