Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1996 >

Date: Fri, 7 Jun 1996 00:27:37 -0400 (EDT)
From: Futur Web d'Or 
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Newspaper Headlines and Ads

Date: Fri, 10 May 96 10:04:16 MDT
From: Lucie Langlois
From: Brian_Jagan_at_AMS-Notes

Some are repeats, but the ads are pretty funny.....

"Actual Newspaper Headlines"

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

"Advertisements and such"

- Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the

- Dog For Sale: Great Dames
- Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.

>From the Kitchen:
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
- 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, broiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings
- Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef _2.25; Turkey _2.35; Children _2.00

- For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
- For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, Perfect for antique lover.

- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.

- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
- Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
- Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References
- Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Salary and Blue Cross.
- Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
- Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of
- Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
- Ears pierced - while you wait!
- Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home too.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
- See ladies blouses. 50% off!
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Modular Sofas. Only _299 For rest or fore play
- Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll
never go anywhere again.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for _1.

Radio Spots:
- Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
- When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.
- Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
- Illiterate? Write for free information.

Accueil > BLAGUES-L > Archives 1996 >