Date: Fri, 8 Dec 1995 09:14:43 -0500 (EST) Subject: BLAGUES-L: Tales from Technical Support From: Ned Brickley Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery Subject: Tales from Technical Support Well, I just arrived in the office at my usual time, somewhere around 10ish, and the phone rings. That's what I get for trying to take my jacket off first, rather then the phone off the hook. I consider just ignoring it, but if I don't pick up, it will ring through to the president's house. I don't need to hear from him about being accessible to the clients. Besides, this early, it has to be nothing more then a call for information. I answer the phone: Me: Technical support. May I help you? Moron: Yes! I want you to cancel my account! (I really need this first thing in the morning) Me, putting on my make nice to the luser persona: What is the problem sir? Moron, being very belligerent: You said you had 13,000 news groups on your system. Me: Yes sir we have access to 13,000 or so news groups. Moron: Well I signed up yesterday, and you said you had 13,000 news groups. I brought up my news reader, and it only downloaded 5800 newsgroups. The only reason I sign up with YOU people was because YOU said you had 13,000 news groups! (I remember this luser. It took me over 2 hours telling him how to configure win95. I hate him, and he will pay for this) Me sounding ever so helpful: Yes sir we do have access to them. We just don't subscribe to them all because a good number are in foreign languages, and some are basically duplicate news groups. If.... (This moron then interrupts me. Life as he knows it is about to end) Soon to be deceased Moron: Don't give me that crap you liar! (oh, he's really put his foot in it), I signed up because you said you had these news groups! You lied to me to get my money! Cancel my account! Me, still trying to be nice: Sir, if there is a newsgroups you want, and we don't have it, please tell us and we will get it for you. Moron: Well how the hell am I supposed to know what I want to read, if it isn't there? Me, trying to determine the best way to exact my revenge on this luser: Sir, we maintain the list on our ftp site, and we explain all this in the "Welcome to our service" E-mail we send you. Moron: I didn't read that shit, I don't have time to, so I deleted it. (It's beginning to sound like he deleted a few brain cells too) Me: Sir, I really think you should reconsider. I spent 2 hours on the phone with you working through the set-up configuration. I really don't want you to quit just because of this slight mis-understanding. (Like I care he wants to quit. The only reason I want him to stay, is because he hasn't given me his credit card number yet) Moron: I don't give a fuck about spending 2 hours. As far as i'm concerned, it was a waste of my time! Now cancel my account. *SLAM* (luser slams the phone down) Hmm. Well, he wants to be canceled, and who am I to argue with him? Let's see...Ahh, here's his account. Hmm, nothing in it but the usual shit, like what he has in his skull. Well, clickity-click rm -r and that's that! Now to finish the job. Where's that telephone book? Ahh here it is. *flip flip flip* Right! just what I was looking for. Hello? Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol and Firearms? I want to report some strange things at (I look up the address of the luser) 123 Oak drive. What is the problem? Well this guy is always ranting about the government, and he has a lot of guns. I think I even saw a machine gun in his garage. Yes sir, I was in the army. It looked like an M60. Yes sir, he's always wearing camouflage, and I know he belongs to some right-wing militia group. I think it's called the Skinhead Alliance or something. He also has these really weird religious practices, and he is constantly hitting his kids Yes sir, I agree. It's a good thing I called you. Say, isn't your budget due for renewal about now? It is? Well Agent Brooks, it's good to know men like you are here to protect the citizens from these dangerous radicals. My name? I would rather stay out of this if you don't mind. He has friends, and it would be best if they didn't know who I was.. Yes sir, Just trying to help sir. Thank you agent Brooks. Be careful with how you deal with this guy. He's forever saying he will shoot the first federal agent who steps on his property. No thanks are necessary, Just get this lunatic before he hurts someone. *click* I hang up the phone, and sit back. Well that will teach him to insult me this early in the morning. The next day, I come in to the office, take the phone off the hook, delete the messages on the answering machine, and make myself comfortable. Then I read in read in the paper about how some school teacher was shot the night before by a combine force of FBI and BATF agents. It seems they had a tip that he was going to shoot the president or something. What a coincidence. Still, I think the aircraft rocketing this guys house was a bit much. I think will E-mail cousin Simon and ask if I did the right thing. After all, I am new to this sort of thing, and I want to be the best Support Technician from Hell possible.